I haven't felt this way. Ever.

My brother, Bobby, died on Saturday morning.

At 10 years old, he was diagnosed with leukemia. The chemo wrecked his body (this was the 1970s). Later on, more complications arose. It was discovered he had diabetes and hep c (probably from one of the bone marrow transfusions, as screenings back then aren't what they are today). The doctor told him he had until 20 years old to live.

As my sister wrote in the eulogy, my brother was a fighter. I was born when he was 24. He had already exceeded the doctor's expectations.

Growing up, he wasn't just a brother. He was a best friend, and also a father figure. We baked pizza. We threw frisbees in the front yard. We would ride bikes and rollerblade. We listened to music all the time (Black Sabbath, Nirvana, Alice in Chains, Rage Against the Machine, Hendrix, Brian Setzer and the Stray Cats, etc.) All those things siblings did.

Most importantly, my brother taught me how to draw. He had gone to school to become an architectural draftsman. He would let me scribble on his blueprints. He gave me my first good set of markers, which I still have.

Bobby later moved out and married. We saw each other less, but I grew to appreciate him more.

At 45 years old, Bobby finally lost his battle to illness.

I miss him terribly. His wake and funeral were the hardest few hours of my life. And I know this past week and the following will be the most difficult.

Just recently having turned 21, I was anxious to have a drink with my brother, as he used to brew his own ales. We will never have a beer together.

My brother will never see me get married

He will never meet his niece/nephew.

These are the thoughts running through my head.

I'm sorry to those I have shut out during my grieving process. And I sincerely thank all of you for sticking around. Hopefully, these words have helped you to understand where I am coming from.

I picked you up from the airport, and you looked so much happier than you used to.

And as we're driving, I keep glancing at you in the rearview mirror. I can't stop talking about music. I can't stop. I remember working the morning shift, and remember that it wasn't all that bad because you were there and always playing the loveliest music.

I can't stop. And you sit in the backseat answering all of my questions. It's so good to see you.

When we step out of the car, I smile at your new business attire. Look at where we've been the past couple of months.

You climb in the driver's seat and I happily close my eyes in the passenger's position.

I reach my hand to your leg and your hand covers mine.

I select the song that I fell in love with on the way back from Ohio.

To the best of my memory (something along the lines of):
"Is this Casimir Pulaski Day?"
"Yes!"
"I've always liked this song."
"It's my favourite by him."
"You know the Pulaski bridge is named after the same guy? He was the _th immigrant."

I smiled, knowing that every time I listened to this song, I would now think of you.

It's so good to see you.

"For the first five people that reply to me and re-post this challenge, I will send you something. It might be something I've made, or something cool from my hidden stash, it might be a mix CD, booze, a book I think you will enjoy, or something else that is awesome. Whatever it is, I promise that I will get it to you in 365 days or fewer. The only thing you need to do in order to participate is to be one of the first five to reply to this, AND post this very same thing on YOUR LiveJournal - cause it's fun to give."

So yesterday started out pretty awesome (despite 2 people admitting to using me the night before). I got an e-mail from Joshua Dysart (comic book writer extrodinaire) about how he's on a deadline and he's going to live vicariously through me for the next couple of days. He wished for something exciting to happen to me. So, I'm sitting there pondering what could happen in the next couple of days.

Falling in love?

Winning a trip to Europe?

Becoming an instant star?

Then, my gold retriever comes into my room and throws up at the foot of my bed. That answers that.

I had two midterms yesterday. I walk out to my car only to find it had been pelted by eggs the night before.

Get to my Japanese midterm, only to realize I know nothing. So, bombed that.

While trying to translate Kanji, all I could think about was getting a nice cup of coffee. I walk towards the main building, searching my bag. No wallet. It's at home on my dresser. Liscense, money, cards, etc. Luckily, Dave was around and he bought me a cappuccino.

I took my photo midterm, which JD had helped me study for. Aced it. 105. I drew pictures of myself yelling how my teacher is the man. He went over my test while I was in the darkroom, but according to the other kids, he was in stitches.

I spent the night with Dave, scraping egg off my car, drinking tea and cream soda, and relaxing for once.

As nice as the evening was, I really can't wait to head out to Columbus and spend time with JD.

So, tonight, the crew from Zumiez all went out for Keith's, Jonny's, and Deb's birthdays. There was about 20 of us from three different stores.

It was amazing.

We all got along. We ate sushi and habachi at Golden Sakura. Keith made everyone give me a round of applause for putting the shindig together. I painted Keith and Jonny each a picture (Keith-Nike dunks, Jonny-sugar skull). Both were very happy with their gifts (I'll post photos soon).

I'm very happy right now. Very content. Hard work is paying off.

Tonight was excellent. And there should/will be more nights like it.

Oh, and I did $1800 at work today.

YES!

Today was my third day in a row running a mile. As I took the last lap around the neighborhood, that warm laundry smell filled the air and all was right in the world.

Today was my dad's 69th birthday. I got him tickets to see Neil Young. Good seats. He was super happy. My brother came up from south Jersey and we all went out to eat.

I continued my painting of the nude model today in class. I also started a painting (done with a palate knife and oils) of the cover of Annie Hall. However, I made Woody Allen a bit too tall. I think he'd be flattered. I've got his sweater down quite nicely and Diane Keaton's stance is looking good so far.

I am pleased with myself today.

I woke up with a giant scratch across my face this morning.

But, then, I ran a mile in my 9a.m. wellness class with this guy who looks like Tim Kasher. So, things aren't nearly as dismal as this post may sound.

I think I burnt out around the age of 18. I remember as a freshman of 14, I would stay up all night and be able to function at 6a.m. I would still be chipper. This lasted all through highschool. Even when I was sick junior and senior years.

I think I'm getting old now.

Last week, I hung out with the Creature Feature for 2 nights. Helene was doing merch for them (scroll down for photographs). I made friends with this kid from Brooklyn. I wound up visiting him on my only night off. It turns out he lives about 4 blocks from my old apartment. Walking to the subway from his place, I was overwhelmed with sadness. I had to give it all up. My job at Apple. My apartment. My New York. I want it back so badly, but it's just not in the cards right now.

I'm working two jobs. Still working for Stephanie and Never Quit Stunts. And now I'm a keyholder at Zumiez. And I'm taking 16 credits. How can I work so much and still be broke?

I think I'm going to have a heartattack by the age of 25. I haven't had the time to get my eyebrows waxed. Or repaint my toenails. I even have to schedule my showers. All my grey hair has come back, so I have to get to the salon at some point.

Once, we all had it better than we did now. But I don't think we've reached our best, just yet.


With Helene


With Nickolas


With Curtis


With Eric


With Kevin

I've been on the set of Damages since about 5. It's now midnight. This has allowed me time to think. The results are as follows:

1. My contacts are not to be worn for a long amount of time.

2. It's really odd to look back at old friends. People you've lost touch with/who have cut you off/etc. I was looking around glorious myspace, and I must confess, I'm better off without a lot of people.

3. I'm not going to try anymore. I've attempted to extend the olive branch and become friends with quite a few people, only to be disappointed. For the most part, I'm going to walk away. This ties in with 2.

4. Teany is possibly the best place to eat in NYC. And the waiter on shift tonight is a prince. I've been in there twice already (it's right around the corner from set) and he's been nothing but kind.

5. I miss carbs. So much. I'm on a new diet that involves powdered food and one real meal that consists of a lean protein and salad. Let's hope this works.

6. Sometimes, reconnecting with your past is an okay thing, even if that part of the past hurt. After 45 minutes of a hopeless Devendra Banhart concert last night, I called Nicholas to rant. He came to visit me on set today and we shared a salad and stories of where summer had taken us. He's going to two shows with me, and I very much look forward to spending time with him. Oh, we may be going to France together for a party he's organizing in January. I'm to be the guest of honor, and, together, we will be the model couple. Nicholas will always remain the hippest yet most humble man I know.

7. Beirut is phenomenal. If you haven't listened, do yourself a favor.

That's it for now. I'm quite tired. Photographic evidence:





My best to you and your family.

OBrightEyes0: I think togepis are from latin america bc they roll their letters
OBrightEyes0: <3
TheDaruma86: I think you are adorable for making that connection

(He understands when I speak the jive about Pokemon.)

They don't give bracelets like that to just anyone. Bandage is from the IV that was placed in my hand.




So there you have it. My fuggin bloody toe. They wound up doing more work than expected. The bone chips had fused into a mass, so they had to go in with a bone saw. They let me keep a bone in a little cup. I have to clean it.

Also, since the chips were so jagged, one of my tendons was ripped, so they repaired that.

I've been fumbling around on percocet and antibiotics (I even fell down a flight of stairs at a funeral), until this morning, when I vomited twice. So I'm taking myself off the percocet and inhaling tylenol instead.

Tomorrow is my follow-up with the doctor and he'll be changing the dressings on it. Which will most likely be unpleasant.

This will be over soon. Or so I hope.

Now there's a bone mass growing on top of my foot and they may need to operate on that.

New hair cut and colour by Arthur at Bangz in Montclair.


So if I for some reason die on the operating table on Friday, I'll look kinda ok.





What do you think?

I'm currently sitting on a stranger's front porch, across from the set of a commercial. I'm attempting to type as quietly as possible whenever the camera is rolling. Once someone screams, "Cut," (and about 5 other people scream, "Cut!" afterwards), the whirlwind of typing continues.

There's a 5 and a half year old girl who lives here named Audrey. She's gorgeous. Dark brown hair with straight bangs, blue sundress, and pink sparkly sandals. I ask her if she has any idea what's going on. She says, "No," and I say, "Neither do I."

So, yeah, Brian (Stephanie's husband, if I've failed to mention) is either stunt coordinator or doing the rigging for this gig. I'm just wanting for Stephanie to show up so I have some work to do. Though I am digging lounging in the sun (and when I'm done typing this, I'm going to re-pick up this Bukowski book I'm halfway through).

If you couldn't tell, life has been a whirlwind lately. I've mostly been busy with work, which allows limited time for a social life, although I did get the chance to go see The Simpsons Movie and I Know Who Killed Me with Niki and Danny. All I have to say is that Lindsay Lohan amputee sex is the hottest think I will probably ever see in my life.

I also had the chance to see Shaun perform at open mic night at Cool Beans. I actually ran into an old classmate there, Dave, which was super exciting, since we kind of forgot to exchange contact info at semester's end.

Oh, I got a new tattoo, from this awesome Australian chick, Stacey. It's beatiful. I'll post pictures soon. I also got the back of my neck pierced. Steph went with me and got the left and right sides of her bellybutton done.

I'm heading down to Texas to visit my darling Andrew at the end of August. I'm planning on booking my flight tonight.

I forgot to mention in my last entry that Cat's birthday shindig was phenomenal. Such a great group of people! And yummy food! And great music! The list could go on for days...

I had difficulty sleeping last night. I didn't have trouble falling to sleep, rather I just didn't sleep well. I've been spending my nights on the couch, since my room has no fan or AC.

I already feel rather sore this morning. Yesterday, Stephanie and I worked out together, which was quite lovely. Then, we dug a ditch in the backyard and sanded furniture. We're tough broads.

I'm excited about getting back into shape. I already feel better.

I believe on Sunday I will be accompanying my friend Christopher to the set of the new Charlie Kaufman movie (he did Eternal Sunshine and Being John Malkovich). I don't know if we're going to be extras or whatnot, but I do look forward to being in Brooklyn with someone who is new to NYC.

The city was pleasant. I saw "Sicko" with Zach at BAM. It was excellent.

The next day I went out to lunch with Martina. It had been much too long since we'd last seen each other. It's always good to know you have a friend you talk/smile/eat $15 grilled cheese with from years back.

So what else has been going on?
Eating healthy.
Working out.
I'm going to try and start kayaking every other day, but the expenses will probably be to high. I may have to settle for one or two times a week.
Registered for classes. More on that later.

Last night, I went to Eric and Peet's art show with Niki and Geoff. It was a nice time.

It's quite late, and I have a giant paper to write tomorrow.

Update soon.

My status has been elevated from batshit insane to apeshit insane.

Last night was goddamn awful. I totally went Hollywood and threw stuff at my bookcase. I felt better.
Then I did some laundry.

I believe those are the qualities a frustrated housewife possesses.

This morning doesn't look so great so far.

Let's just say that everything makes sense now, and there's nothing I can do about it.
I'm just going to stop being nice.

I'm going to New York City tonight.
I believe I may ride a motorcycle.
I will be sleeping in my old apartment.
And catching up with old friends tomorrow.

Maybe this will remedy it all.

I'm not going to bet on it.

So my new job is awesome. One day, I'm driving to sets in NYC. The next, I'm digging trenches and watering plants. My boss is phenomenal. Totally down to earth and fun. You can check her out at here: Stephanie Stokes.

So I'm going back up to Massachusetts tonight. Charlie is absolutely insane... he's driving down here to pick me up. So, in the next 2/3 days, he'll be driving at least 14 hours.

So yeah, I don't know what's going on with that whole situation, but any guy who makes me banana fosters and pancakes in the morning is a winner. Not to mention, I woke up to him playing my favourite Decemberists song on the guitar.

Last night was Bill's wake. Niki went with me. It was open casket. I lost it. But Bill looked good.

Anyway, back to work.

Much love...

Hrmmm. Life is funny.

I've spent the past couple of days with Niki, which means I've been feeling really good. We saw Transformers (I recommend it) and went to a carnival, just to name a few events. We even ran through the little kids' funhouse, which involved diving into a ball pit. I made sure there were no temple guards before I took the plunge.

Niki also dyed my hair (as mentioned in previous post). So now it's pink/purple/black/blonde. It makes me happy. Niki says I look like the girl from Dino Crisis.

So tomorrow is my first day on the job. I'm quite nervous. After I'm done there, I think I'm going to take a drive up to Massachusetts and hang out with Charlie. It's a 3 hour drive or so. I think I could use the time: just my iPod and I.

So my Mac keeps freezing. 6 times in 3 days. I have an appointment at the genius bar tomorrow afternoon, so hopefully they can fix that and do a data transfer in the same shot.

Oh, and my ears are itchy. Motherlicka.

New:
MacBook Pro 15 inch
Hair colour(s)
Job
Friends across the country
Sense of self


Old:
Being single/in a bad relationship

When I was on the plane back to NJ, I told myself I didn't want any sort of romantic relationship with anyone for a while. I was/am happy enough on my own.

I think I've got it all wrong.

I'm at a point in my life where things are interesting. And for once, I'm generally happy about things. I'm not letting the small stuff get to me. I'm taking the time to enjoy the little things.

I've proved to myself I don't NEED someone else to fulfill me.

But we all know that NEED and WANT are terribly different things.






All I'm saying is It'd be really nice to have a boyfriend to share everything with.